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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick-pocketed..
How could anyone stoop so low.
 

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statistically only 1 in 7 dwarves are happy
 

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The third grade teacher asks her students to tell a story with a moral. The kids get up with the usual -- don't put all your eggs in one basket, etc..

Finally one boy gets up and says "My uncle Jim was in the Vietnam War. One night he was on sentry duty, drinking Jack Daniels, when the Viet Cong attacked. A bullet broke the bottle as a full company charged his position.

He mowed down about sixty of them with his M-60 until it jammed. Then he killed another twenty with his M-16 until it jammed, too. The last five charged in on him, and he beat four to death with his entrenching tool, then killed the last one with the broken bottle. Then he got another bottle of Jack and went back to drinking."

"And what can be the moral of this awful story?" asked the horrified teacher.

"Never **** with uncle Jim when he's been drinking," said the boy.
 

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The new German alphabet.

ABDEFGHIJKLMNPQRSTUXYZ

It's a VW omissions scandal - and just after they'd gotten rid of CO, too.
 

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In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the
head gasket on my, imported in 2001, XR3i" rather than
"I've just ****ed my 15 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been
confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mum's.
 

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Whilst hiking in Spain, I saw a man hanging off a cliff.
He shouted: "Help!! Do you speak English?"
Whilst running to get help, I said "Just cling on!"
He replied: "Ack tooy maj highos!!"
 

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What do you call a chicken with a lettuce leaf over one eye?








Chicken ceasar salad
 

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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away . The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 .The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home .The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can’t take that chance!"
 
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A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said: "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over any time I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of some thing that would honour and glorify me." The biker thought about it for some time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she really means when she says nothing is wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy!" The Lord replied, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"
 
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