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TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: ACCOUNTING

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,
Accounting

Attached: Extended Job-Code List
Code and Explanation
5316 Useless Meeting

5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting

5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting

5319 Waiting for Break

5320 Waiting for Lunch

5321 Waiting for End of Day

5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker

5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present

5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend

5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning

5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid

5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You

5481 Buying Snack

5482 Eating Snack

5500 Filling Out Timesheet

5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries

5502 Waiting for Something to Happen

5503 Scratching Yourself

5504 Sleeping

5510 Feeling Bored

5511 Feeling Horny

5600 Complaining About Lousy Job

5601 Complaining About Low Pay

5602 Complaining About Long Hours

5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)

5604 Complaining About Boss

5605 Complaining About Personal Problems

5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining

5701 Not Actually Present At Job

5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu

6102 Ordering Out

6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive

6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food

6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit

6201 Stealing Company Goods

6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods

6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls

6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods

6205 Hiding from Boss

6206 Gossip

6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)

6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself

6211 Updating Resume

6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter

6213 Out of Office on Interview

6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching

6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job

6223 Pretending You Like Coworker

6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks

6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing

6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl

6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)

6602 Complaining

6603 Writing a Book on Company Time

6611 Staring Into Space

6612 Staring At Computer Screen

6615 Transcendental Meditation

7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)

7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone

7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone

7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone

7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone

7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone

7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone

7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone

7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone

7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone

7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity

8000 Recreational Drug Use

8001 Non-recreational Drug Use

8002 Liquid Lunch

8100 Reading e-mail

:laugh
 

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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a profession weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

'No...Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
 

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Discussion Starter #45
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK


I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,

a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,

a head of romaine lettuce,

a 2 lb. can of coffee, and

a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single.


I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.


Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"


The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
 

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Discussion Starter #46
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured
alluringly To the bartender who approached her immediately. She
seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As
he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both
Hands. 'Actually, no,' he replied.

'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running
Her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.
'Is there anything I can Do?'

'Yes, I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her
Forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of
her Fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.

'Tell him,' she whispered, 'there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or
Paper towels in the ladies room.'
 

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Discussion Starter #47
Mathematics

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H- A- R- D- W- O- R- K is
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K- N- O- W- L- E- D-G-E is
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A- T- T- I- T- U- D-E is
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B- U- L- L- S- H-I-T is
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A- S- S- K- I- S- S- I- N- G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull**** and Asskissing that will put you over the top.
 

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Discussion Starter #48
Default Satan
One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
 

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Discussion Starter #49
Do you know what the inside of a Viagra tablet looks like?

Guess you need a whole tablet every time?
 

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Discussion Starter #50
Default The Barn
A lawyer a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening. With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. The Rabbi replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that this is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door, "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"

Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow. :laugh
 

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An archtect, an engineer and a project manager are walking along the beach.

one kicks a bottle and out jumps a genie.

ok 3 wishes, that's one each .

the architect asks for a penthouse in monaco and a bottomless bank account.

The engineer asks for the same.

the project manager looks at his watch and says' I want them both back here after lunch"
 

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A battery and two jumper leads walk into a night club.............

The bouncer asks them to leave

he was afraid they may start something!!
 

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of
an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly
shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again,
took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more..

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the
shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.. As
before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than
before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, I
couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and
then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'

'I'm sorry if I disturbed you; I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I
sneeze, I have an orgasm.' The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still
curious. I have never heard of that condition before,' he said. 'Are you taking
anything for it?

The woman nodded: 'Pepper'
 

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When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy ... it's pretty damn smart.

Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
 

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Discussion Starter #58
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
oh yeah

this will be even better than when I got rid of the silverware to shut up her protests over my guns being so dangerous

" Didn't you hear about the kid who stabbed a cat with a fork last week?"
" If just one cat is saved by us giving up our silverware then it was worth it honey." :coocoo

We went straight to the store to buy more silverware.
While we were in the checkout line I started questioning her loudly as to why she wanted to kill cats.:rant
I turned to someone in line and told them she secretly wanted to stab a cat with one of the forks.
She was SO pissed she stormed out.


She also never said anything about gun ownership again. :pirate

oh yeah :laugh
you just hold that stuff for a while honey.....
 

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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.


The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the
ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.


A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be
$9.
40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.


The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
'A hamburger, fries and a coke.
'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.
'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until the two enter again.
'The usual?' asks the
waitress.


'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad,' says the man.


'Same,' says the ostrich.


Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be
$32.62.
'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.


The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
'Excuse me,
sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in
your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount
of money would always be there.
'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress.
'Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!'

'That's right.
Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there,' says the man.


The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall
chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
 

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:laugh
love it!!!!!
 
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