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Discussion Starter #21
Subj: Wonderful Irish & Scottish bars

"Ya know," said the Scotsman, "I prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a wonderful little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals, so much so that when you buy 4 drinks he'll buy the 5th drink for you."

The Englishman then says, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhhhh, that's nothing laddies", said the Irishman. "Back home in me own Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. The moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another. They buy all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. And it's all on the house".

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn his claims, but the Irishman swears every word is true.

The Englishman finally says, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Well, not to meself, personally," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."
 

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A cute girl is standing at the bar. she helps herself to some peanuts and suddenly starts to turn blue. she obviously has some stuck in her throat.

A felow punter calmly walks over, lifts her skirt, pulls down her panties and runs his tongue up the crack of her bum.

The girl suddenly spits out the peanuts and starts breathing normally.

The fellows mate turns to him and says "nice , first time I've ever seen someone use the hindlick manoeuver!"
 

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A somewhat self conscoius young woman goes to the doctor about a breast enlargement.

they discuss various options such as padding, upper body exercise and finally surgery.

she goes to a plastic surgeon who discussed sizes and finally the cost of surgery.

she then goes home to her boyfriend to discuss it further.

"no worries love" he says " just get a piece of toilet paper and rub it in your cleaveage twice a day and the improvement tho gradual will be quite striking!"

"will that really work? "she asks.

" Can't see why not, Its worked a treat on your bum!!"
 

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Definition of a woman

something you screw on the bed to do the housework
 

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You may remember one of our great aussie icons steve irwin died a couple of years back.

When he got to heaven St Peter asked him if he had any special requests.

Several days later another aussie icon Peter Brock died in a racing accident.

St Peter happened upon the two of them sharing stories and asked steve how it was going.

'Not bad you deaf bastard, but I said I wanted a crock !!!'
 

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Apparently all that hoo hah with bill clinton and monika was all a great misunderstanding.

What he actually said was" hold my calls and sack the cook"
 

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For the wildest ride ever.

Book a nice evening at a nice restaurant.

shower your wife with compliments, bring flowers and buy champagne.

continue the romance all the way to the bedroom and start the conjugals in the normal manner. when thigs get interesting grab a firm hold and casually mention that you think her kid sister put up a better performance for you earlier in the day.
 

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A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they gave their wives for their anniversary. The rich man says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz." Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?" The rich man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond necklace, she can drive her Mercedes Benz to take it back."
The poor man acknowledges the rich mans answer then proceeds to tell him what he got his wife. "I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo." With a confused and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Why did you buy her those gifts?!" The poor man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the flip flops, she can go **** herself."
 

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Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching.
As the president sits, head in hands.
Finally, president looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
 

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Message: The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
"profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is
compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
 

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Steve thats the best version of the exothermic argument I have read. this variation on the ending far outstrips the version I have.

cheers stu
 

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Son walks over to his dad and asks him a question...

"Dad, whats the difference between hypothetical and realistic?"

"Do this, walk over to your sister and ask her if she would screw her Chemistry class partner for a million bucks and then ask your mom whether she would bang the mailman for the same amount..."

Son goes and speaks with his sister and mom...Comes back to his dad sometime later and says---

"Mom said "Sure thing!" and sister said "Of course, who wouldn't?" "...

"Well son, there you have it...Hypothetically, we are rich...Realistically, we are living with two whores"...
 

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Discussion Starter #33
why did the redneck cross the road??


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cause hid dick was stuck in the chicken !! :laugh
 
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whats orange and sits at the bottom of a swimming pool?
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a baby with popped armbands!!


How do you get a nun pregnant?
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RAPE THE BITCH!!!!!
 

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I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan


I told them I was suicidal





They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck
 

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Discussion Starter #36
A man had three daughters. They were his pride and joy. And he protected them to the fullest of his ability. One night, while reading the newspaper, there came a knock at the door. He looked through the peephole to see a young man standing there. He grabbed his shotgun, and then opened the door, just as he pumped a shell in the chamber.

"Hi sir, my name is Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We want to go out for spaghetti. Is Betty ready?" He begrudgingly invited the young man in. Betty came down the stairs, and off they went.

He sat back down to read his paper. Another knock at the door. Looking through the peephole, another young man stood on the porch. He grabbed the shotgun and opened the door.

"Hi sir, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. We'd like to go to the show. Can Flo go?"

Again, he begrudgingly invited the young man in. Flo came downstairs, and off to the movie they went.

He sat down one more time to read his paper, when there was a third knock at the door.

He grabbed the shotgun and he opened the door.

"Hello sir, my name is Chuck"...BLAM!
 

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Discussion Starter #37
Robert was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Robert tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Robert.

"What in bag?" asked the old man.

Robert looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said, "Good trade."
 

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Discussion Starter #38
A Russian, a Jamaican, a Canadian and an Australian are all riding in a ski lift together. The Russian pulls out a huge bottle of vodka, takes one drink and throws the bottle away. The Jamaican says, “Hey, what you t'ink you doin', mon? Dat was a perfectly good bottle of vodka.” And the Russian says, “Vere I come from wodka is like vater, it is eweryvere.” The Jamaican thinks about it for a second, pulls out a massive reefer and lights it up. He takes one puff and tosses it away. “What are you doing, eh?” says the Canadian. “That was a perfectly good doobie there.” And the Jamaican says, “Cho, where me come from dis is everywhere. It like grass, mon.” So the Canadian thinks about it for a second, grabs hold of the Australian and tosses him out of the lift.
 

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Discussion Starter #39
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.

He reduced altitude to try to figure out where he was when he spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I appear to be a little off course. I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

Amazed by what she said, the balloonist stated "You must be in Information Technology!"

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is that I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below smiled and responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
 

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This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are
there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and
sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her
what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us
have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached
the desk. The receptionist said, "Hello, sir. Can you please tell me
why you're here to see the doctor today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something
wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further
with the doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
 
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