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Discussion Starter #1
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that
her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee
and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere
she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
 
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Discussion Starter #2
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

*******************************************************

The CIA needed an assassin so they called their top three agents for an interview. The first candidate comes in, a man. They give him a pistol and say, "In the next room you will find your wife tied to a chair. We want you to shoot her." He says, "Shoot my wife, are you crazy? Absolutely not!" "Fine, but you're not the man for us!"

The next candidate comes in, also a man. Same story, your wife's tied to a chair in the next room, take this gun and shoot her. He says, "I'll try" and goes into the room. Five minutes of silence and then he comes out in tears ... "I tried, but I just couldn't do it." "Fine, but you're not the man for us."

The third candidate comes in, a woman. Your husband's in the next room tied to a chair, take this gun and shoot him. She goes into the room and they hear BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM and then cursing, screaming and the sound of furniture being thrown around. She comes out with her clothes dishevelled, sweaty and really angry... "Why didn't you tell me the bullets were blanks? I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...

The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'

Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...So she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast.

He won't even be able to get his pants down.'

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened...?' Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,

'The bastard had all dimes!'
 

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one for the oldies

an old girl goes to the doctor for her annual check up.

the doctor goes thru the usual check list till he gets to the one about her bowel movements

How often do your bowels move? he asks.

Once a week she replies.

are you taking anything for it ? he asks


wait for it........................







Just my knitting!


cheers stu
 

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Discussion Starter #5
A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his groin. He approaches the bar and, scratching himself, orders a beer.

"Excuse me sir, you know there is a steering wheel attached to your trousers?"

"Yeah" said the man "Its drivin me nuts!"
 

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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that
was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the
younger alien addressed it saying, Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. Take us to your leader.' The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien
said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the
warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed
by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray
gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do
not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!' The
older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to
do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.' 'Rubbish,'
replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and
opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared
towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a
burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour
passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three
eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older,
wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What
a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near
killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned
over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If
there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you
don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself
twice and then stick it in his ear.
 

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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that
was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the
younger alien addressed it saying, Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. Take us to your leader.' The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien
said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the
warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed
by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray
gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do
not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!' The
older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to
do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.' 'Rubbish,'
replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and
opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared
towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a
burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour
passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three
eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older,
wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What
a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near
killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned
over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If
there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you
don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself
twice and then stick it in his ear.

:spit :rotfl :laugh i didnt see that ending coming at all
 

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Discussion Starter #9
From the Redneck Book of Manners
> > > >
> > > > 1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
> > > >
> > > > 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting
> > > > at them.
> > > >
> > > > 3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to
> > > > church.
> > > >
> > > > 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change
> > > > the sheets.
> > > >
> > > > 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the
> > > > will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul
> > > > to the funeral home.
> > > >
> > > > Dining Out
> > > >
> > > > 1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold
> > > > it with your fingers covering the label.
> > > >
> > > > 2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor
> > > > as the restaurant may not have dogs.
> > > >
> > > > Entertaining In Your Home
> > > >
> > > > 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be
> > > > anything prepared by a taxidermist.
> > > >
> > > > 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter
> > > > how good his manners are.
> > > >
> > > > Personal Hygiene
> > > >
> > > > 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a
> > > > job that should be done in private using one's OWN
> > > > truck keys
> > > >
> > > > 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for
> > > > several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is
> > > > a waste of good money.
> > > >
> > > > 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social
> > > > no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry
> > > > and alter the taste of finger foods.
> > > >
> > > > Dating (outside the family)
> > > >
> > > > 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially
> > > > on the first date.
> > > >
> > > > 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested:
> > > > "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read
> > > > that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
> > > >
> > > > 3. Establish with her parents what time she is
> > > > expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might
> > > > say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the
> > > > man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
> > > >
> > > > 4. Always have a positive comment about your date's
> > > > appearance, such as, "Ya'll sure don't sweat much for
> > > > a fat gal."
> > > >
> > > > Weddings
> > > >
> > > > 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding
> > > > gift.
> > > >
> > > > 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get
> > > > you shot.
> > > >
> > > > 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit
> > > > with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create
> > > > too sporty an appearance.
> > > >
> > > > 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes
> > > > for this special occasion.
> > > >
> > > > 5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good
> > > > his wife is in the sack.
> > > >
> > > > Driving Etiquette
> > > >
> > > > 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even
> > > > if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
> > > >
> > > > 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with
> > > > the largest tires always has the right of way.
> > > >
> > > > 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct
> > > > tape.
> > > >
> > > > 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas
> > > > can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
> > > >
> > > > 5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle,
> > > > especially when driving.
> > > >
> > > > 6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral
> > > > procession.
> > > >
> > > > Two Reasons why it is hard to solve a Redneck Murder:
> > > >
> > > > 1. All the DNA is the same.
> > > >
> > > > 2. There are no dental records
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Subject: Dictionary of Tools

These are things you know how to use but never knew they had perfect definitions.
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of
your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
room, splattering it against that freshly stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar
calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say....."Oh sh--!!!"
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touchup jobs into
major refinishing projects.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija Board principle. It transforms
human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else
is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the
palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conductor of intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop
on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the race
out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKET S:
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now
used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or socket you've been searching for
the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity and operator reflexes/dodging capabilities.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
Used for levering a carriage/automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS:
A tool for removing all types of wood splinters (see EIGHT-FOOT LONG
YELLOW PINE 2X4) and wire wheel debris.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in
Bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare beginners
into choosing another line of work.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver
tip on the end opposite the handle.
TROUBLE LIGHT:
The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a
good source of vitamin D (the sunshine vitamin), which is not otherwise found
under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-
watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105 mm howitzer shells might be used
during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.
More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as
the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR:
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles
away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago
Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusted bolts which were last over-
tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads.
Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to
remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we
are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to
your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks,
And rubber or plastic parts.
NOTE: Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
yelling "DAMMIT!!" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the
Next tool that you will need.
 
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Discussion Starter #11
A man is walking by the Berkley, California Zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to devour her, right in front of the little girl's screaming parents.

The man runs to the cage, hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the man brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the man, says: "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

"Why, it was nothing," said the man; "really, the lion was behind bars and I knew God would protect me just as He did Daniel in the lions den long, long ago. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt was right."

"I noticed a bible in your pocket," said the journalist.

"Yes, I'm a Christian and was on my way to a bible study," the man replied.

"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the front page."

The journalist leaves. The following morning the man buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the first page:

"Right Wing Christian Fundamentalist Assaults African Immigrant and Steals His lunch."
 
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A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.



They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.

'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.



After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.



The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.



The husband said, 'I'm not sure....maybe she choked?
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Polite Way to Pee"
> During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good
manners,
> asked her students the following question:
> "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how
> would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
> Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What
> about you Peter, how would you say it?"
> Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be
> right back."
> "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
at
> the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for
once
> and show us your good manners?"
> " I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have
to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get
>to meet
>after dinner."
 

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Discussion Starter #14
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted
to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him
how he had sex?

"Tarzan not know sex" he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will
show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she
said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable
manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed "What did
you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "check for squirrel."
 

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Apparently Larry Laprise the man who wrote "the hokey pokey" died recently at the age of 93.

the most taumatic part for his family came when it was time to put him in his coffin!

They put his left leg in..........................Then the trouble started.
 

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Best divorce letter ever

 

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gorgeous!!!!!!!!!!
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Got a pic of that sister STEVE ?? :laugh

nice, and thanks for participating

When to start cussing...
>
> A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know

> what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started
> cussing.' The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old
> continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say
> something with hell a nd you say something with ass.' The 4 year old
> agrees with enthusiasm.
>
> When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he

> wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have
> some Cheerios.'
>
> WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
> gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot

> pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his
> room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'
>
> She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with
> a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' I
> don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
> Cheerios!'
 

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Discussion Starter #19
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
Being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy".
 

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Discussion Starter #20
A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a nickel. After a few minutes in the store, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickel and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replied. "Divorce lawyer."
 
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