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1,041 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Well in light of PJ throwing his toys out the pram, :laugh I thought I would rebel and post up, so please enjoy, If I dont post up next week you know PJ and his motley crew have tracked me down and removed my keyboard from my fingers, :laugh
Aussie farm hand...........


A Northern Territory Australia farm hand, radios back to his boss,
the farm manager.

"Boss, I gotta big problem here. I hit a pig with the pickup. The
pig's OK but he's stuck in the bull bar at the front of my pickup and
is wriggling & squealing so much I can't get him out".

The manager says "OK there's a 303 behind the seat, take it out and
shoot the pig in the head & you'll be able to remove him".

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back.
"I did as you said boss. Took the 303 and shot the pig in the head
and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still
can't go on."

"Now what's the problem?" raged the manager..

"Well Boss, its his motor bike. The flashing blue light is stuck
under the right front wheel arch...............You still there boss?


:laugh :laugh :laugh :laugh :laugh :laugh :laugh :laugh :laugh :laugh
PJ you ok :laugh PJ? PEEEEEJAY? bugger he's in the car and heading Northr :laugh :laugh :laugh

1,041 Posts
Discussion Starter #2
Men in heaven


When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise,
God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for
the men who were True heads of their household, and the other line for the
men who were Dominated by their women. I want all the women to report
to St. Peter." Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles
long, And in the line of men who truly were heads of their household,
there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to
be the Head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled Your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in
this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

:devious :laugh :laugh :laugh

1,041 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
Anger Management


When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on Someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is David. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell ?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right fcuking number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two Digits.

After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're a C*nt!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'C*nt' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a C*nt!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "C*nt" Calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said,"Hi, this is John Smith from BT. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a C*nt!"
One day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off And pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the Horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his Number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first C*nt (I had his Number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover C*nt, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?"
Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street, in Ilford. It's a terraced house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Steve?" "I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed." "Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?"


"Steve, you're a C*nt!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**eholes to call. Then one day I came up With an idea. I called C*nt #1.


"You're a C*nt!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah." I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me." I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Steve Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"I live at 129 Alice Street, Ilford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared... C*nt." and hung up.

Then I called C*nt #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, C*nt," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll do what?" I said.

"I'll kick your a*se," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, C*nt, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
129 Alice Street, Ilford , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going down in Alice Street, Ilford. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street. I got there just in time to watch two C*nts beating the sh!t out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News crew.

Now I feel MUCH better.

Take it from me, anger management really works
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