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1,041 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Surrounded by 100 seriously angry Siuox Warroirs with no chance of escape, the Lone Ranger, who has just mistakenly killed the leader of the Sioux Nation, tunrs to Tonto and says" well, Tonto my friend, it looks like we won't get out of this alive".

Tonto replies; "What's this "WE" PaleFace?"

A plane is on its way to London when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying right here!"

The co-pilot tells the cabin boy called Stuart that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. Stuart says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I've shagged hundreds of blondes. I speak blonde."

He goes to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm Sorry, " and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss, with which Stuart replies, "I told her First Class isn't going to London"

1,041 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
:rant :rant :rant :rant Right 'O' you asked for it:rant :rant :rant

West Jet is an Airline with head office situated in Calgary, Alberta.
West Jet airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a West Jet flight (There is no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when
a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

On another West Jet Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude
and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort
and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane."

"Thank you for flying West Jet Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us
the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at the Vancouver Airport,
a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Ontario, a
flight attendant on a West Jet flight announced, "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a West Jet Airlines employee:
"Welcome aboard West Jet Flight 245
to Calgary. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
child, pick your favorite."

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than West Jet

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "West Jet Airlines is
pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in
the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Heard on West Jet Airlines just after a very hard landing in Edmonton
: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite
a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it
wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

Overheard on an West Jet Airlines flight into Regina, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Regina. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He
said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking
the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady
walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a
"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Halifax, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick
your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of West Jet Airways."

Heard on a West Jet Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish
to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you
can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from Winnipeg to Montreal, The
weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight.
Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on
the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I
scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant
accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the
front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back
of mine!"

:devious :laugh :laugh :laugh :laugh :laugh :laugh

1,092 Posts
Ban Him!!!

2,701 Posts
not that bad, I read them all.

didnt laugh or smile but I made it thru them all.

but im kinda dizzy from paint fumes too.
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