TLZone Forums banner

1 - 17 of 17 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,041 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Cow Economics

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Economic Models Explained by Cows:


SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some
milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks
the other, then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on
the income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the
other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to
analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to
your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred
via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the
majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your
listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with
an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United
States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the
release.
The
public buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a
riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market
it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they
live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they
are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you
have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You
count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and
open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You
charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking
them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity,
and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very
attractive.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
__________________


:laugh :laugh theres more to come,
Come on lads and lasses lets see your passes :laugh :dowhat :laugh
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,855 Posts
> President Bush was visiting a primary school and he dropped in on one of
> the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words
> and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to
> lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader
> asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
>
> One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a
> farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him
> that would be a tragedy."
>
> "No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
>
> A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
> drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
>
> "I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a
> great loss."
>
> The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the
> room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
>
> Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet
> voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck
> by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens that would be a
> tragedy."
>
> "Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that
> would be a tragedy?"
>
> "Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy,because it certainly
> wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f *cking accident
> either."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,041 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
:hail :laugh :laugh :laugh its contagious isnt it :laugh :laugh
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,041 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
Australian Thinking

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks
into a bar and,by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes
his order, a Foster's,she notices his accent.Over the course of the evening they get chatting.At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place. Although she is attracted to him she says no.He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.As she is travelling around the world,and is short of funds, she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him
again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders but goes and sits in the corner.The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in
Australia. "Melbourne",he tells her. "So am I. What suburb?" she enquires. "Glen Iris"
he replies. "That's amazing........."she says excitedly, so am I what Street?" "Cameo Street" he replies. "This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering."What Number?" "Number 20", he replies. She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe this........", she screams, "but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!" "I know..." he says,"Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN :devious :devious :laugh :laugh
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,855 Posts
A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What's the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father ponders for a moment and then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, then come back and tell me what you learned.
"So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks?"
The mother replied, "Definitely, I wouldn't pass an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks?"
The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity."
The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his father.
His father asked him "Did you find the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million bucks, but realistically we're living with two tarts!"
The father replied, "That's my boy!"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,041 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
Just a joke

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young man called TinyUK :devious invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome TinyUK's flatmate, Toledo :devious , was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this
only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started
to wonder if there was more between TinyUK:devious and his flatmate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, TinyUK:devious volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Toledo:devious & I are just flatmates".About a week later, Toldeo:devious came to TinyUK:devious saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do
you?"

"Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure" said TinyUK:devious . So he sat
down and wrote:
DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT
SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT
HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE TinyUK:devious
Several days later, TinyUK:devious received an email from his mother which read:
DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH Toledo, AND I'M NOT SAYING THATYOU
"DO NOT" SLEEP WITH Toledo, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN
OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM
Lesson of the day,
NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER


Well it is friday :laugh :laugh :laugh :laugh :laugh
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,760 Posts
:hail

That's my sense of humor Ally! :laugh
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,041 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
£1k per inch

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but ....... your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The bloke groans a bit, but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch".

The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch. "So the thing is" the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision."

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day. "So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the fellow.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the bloke.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.













The bloke looks up and says "We're getting a new kitchen"


:devious :laugh :laugh
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,041 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
just waiting for TinyUK and Toledo to see this thread, THAT should be interesting :laugh :laugh :laugh :laugh
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,041 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.:devious


I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best
Before End':banghead

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch.":devious

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood"
I said, "Where is he?":devious

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is.":devious

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.:devious :laugh :laugh :laugh
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,556 Posts
Well Ally, I've seen the "joke" but what you've got to remember is Tiny is bigger than me....... :devious






:blush



bloody wall didn't keep you lot out did it :fire :fire :fire
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,556 Posts
DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the
repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the
dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a
check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog, Spike. He won't bother
you. But whatever you do, do NOT, under
ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman, Ally, arrived at Wanda's apartment the
following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking
bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog
just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about
his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole
time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and
yelled, "Shut up, yo u stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"


See? Men don't listen
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,556 Posts
A teenage grandaughter comes downstairs for her date wearing a see-through blouse and no bra. Her Grandmother pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager says, "loosen up Grams, these are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!"

The next day, the teenager comes downstairs, and the Grandmother is sitting with no top on. :puke

The teenager wants to die. She explains to her Grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate to sit half-naked.

The Grandmother says, " Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose-buds, then I can display my hanging baskets!".
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,041 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
Well Ally, I've seen the "joke" but what you've got to remember is Tiny is bigger than me....... :devious






:blush



bloody wall didn't keep you lot out did it :fire :fire :fire

:laugh :laugh :laugh Nope, you cant keep us out :devious :laugh
 
1 - 17 of 17 Posts
Top